No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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