if i can run in heels then i can drive
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
