I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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