Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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