I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
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I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
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I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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