I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
