New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
