The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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