Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
