Barsexuality is the new black.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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