i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
So squirting runs in the family.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
