You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
