So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
worst night to have a conscience
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
