The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
