4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
