I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
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