Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
