he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How does it feel to date your dad?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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