I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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