remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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