Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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