my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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