Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it's great music for shaving your balls
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
