I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
