There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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