my soul wont recognize me after tonight
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
