the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
