Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
