I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
