Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
