im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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