sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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