i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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