when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
