I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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