I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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