I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
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I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
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He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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