After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
