Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
