Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
