The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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