It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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