I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
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She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
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You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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