i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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