so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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