oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
