I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
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You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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