well I can't set my house on fire every night
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
