we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
