I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
