My liver just broke up with me...
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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