I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
