So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
