im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
