I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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