i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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