look no pants
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
