my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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