so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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